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Tag Archives: Humor

The ‘Bar Mitzvah’ for Ranch Kids

The Bar Mitzvah is a Jewish ceremony for boys reaching the age of 13 and is kinda regarded as a coming of age from boyhood to manhood. Well, the Jews do it a little different than we did it out on the ranch. OK, …..quite a bit different, as a matter of fact!

All our water on the ranch was made by windmills, not just for the cattle and horses. They even provided the water for our houses. If the wind didn’t blow for a few days (usually not a problem in the Texas Panhandle!) we would have no water, which did happen a couple of times in the 30 years we lived there. As a kid growing up on the ranch one of the things you learned early on was how to fix a windmill. Sometimes it was just to replace worn ‘leathers’. Other times the bottom cylinder might have a hole in it which required pulling all the pipe out of the well and replacing it. Not fun! But we could do it, and did many a time.

One of the routine jobs in keeping windmills operating is to keep them oiled good. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, ….it ain’t! Here’s how it goes. OK, looking up it doesn’t look too high up there but up top where you have to put the oil in, and lookin’ down, it’s scary high! So, what you have to do is get a big ‘ol can of oil (about 2-3 gallons) with a long spout on it, climb up the hand and foot rails of the windmill. Remember now, you’re also carrying roughly 20 lbs of oil in one hand and climbing with the other. So, I’m makin’ my way up the windmill, my Dad coaching me every step. Now I”m gettin’ closer to the top where there’s a little foot and a half platform to stand on. Getting up on that tiny thing is a real trick…..with only one usable hand. Now, you’re up on top of the tiny platform. The fan or blades of the windmill are 6-8 feet in diameter. The windmill is turned off so the blades are not turning. But in the Texas Panhandle, there’s hardly a day where there ain’t at least a nice little breeze. This day was a day such as that. And when it’s breezy like that the fan and blades, while they’re not spinning, still move around some causing you to picture yourself getting knocked off there and hittin’ the ground to certain death. All this is going through my mind while my Dad’s still coaching me along from the ground. Now, lookin’ down it appears to be about 90 feet (actually only about 25 ft) to the ground! It’s not…..but it dang sure looks it! As if that wasn’t enough, ….here’s the tricky part. The part of the windmill that has the gear mechanism in it is enclosed and covered by a big (foot and a half) hood, kinda cone shaped. You gotta stand on your tippy toes, reach as high as you possibly can and remove the nut off the top of that hood! Now, I’ve got oil in one hand, a nut and the hood in another….all the while trying to hold on for dear life. The entire 13-14 years of my life was running like a movie through my mind. Is it gonna just kill me on impact or will I be mangled and a vegetable the rest of my life? I’m way too young to die. My Dad still calmly coaching me along, ……almost like he doesn’t even realize I’m about to fall to my death. Now, I gotta hoist the big oil can up over my head and start to pour it in the gear casing. Oh, did I mention your hands are super greasy from handling the oil can complicating the whole process?! I’m trying to do all that and listen to the instructions my Dad’s giving me and I couldn’t help but to desperately ask, “What if I fall?” And, you know he gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten. He just calmly, confidently and simply said, ………..”You won’t”.

He was right! I didn’t!

You can’t imagine how relieved I was to get back on solid ground!

So, that’s how we do the ‘ol Bar Mitzvah on the ranch! It’s the rite of passage from being a kid into full-fledged manhood!

There’s a lot of things I miss about the ranch life,     ………that ain’t one of ’em!

PS-I’ll bet money if you climbed up that same windmill today you could find my claw marks dented in that galvanized iron!

…….makes me miss my Dad……

Addendum: Every person who has climbed up a windmill tower and stood on that little platform has experienced the sensation of looking up and seeing the clouds slowly drifting overhead. It gives one the feeling that the windmill is tipping over. It’s pretty frightening the first time you experience it. So much so that I heard a story of one man who was up there, saw the clouds, thought the windmill was tipping over……..and jumped! I’m not sure if that’s true………but it could be!

 

Here’s another one you might like:

Labor Day Out on the ‘Ol ‘Lazy J’

 

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Don’t Let The Old Man In

That Clint Eastwood can make a movie! He’s had a string of good ones. You can see a list of them here. Starting out as young Rowdy Yates, a cowhand and cattle drover, in Rawhide (I never missed that one as a kid!), to his most recent role in The Mule’, as Earl Stone, a 90-year-old drug courier for the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the movies he’s starred in or directed are nearing the 3 billion range in dollars generated! That’s mind-boggling! Whether it was the High Plains Drifter or ‘Dirty Harry’ Callahan, Eastwood has always managed to give a stellar, and genuine performance. And if you’ve kept up it appears he’s done nothing but get better at his craft. At 88, he might very well be at the top of his game.

I like a movie that arouses my emotions; one that can make me laugh, make me think, has plenty of suspense or mystery, maybe a surprise or two….and one that’ll even cause me to try to hold back the tears. His last one, The Mule, has all that. Without going into detail and risk ruining the whole story for ya, I’d just say, “You need to go see it.”. The critics gave it mixed reviews but if you like any of the things I like, ….you’ll be pleased.

There was a song closing out the last scene in the movie. It was a great song. I was pretty sure it was Toby Keith singing so when I got out of the theater I Googled it and, sure enough, it was Keith. The song title, “Don’t Let the Old Man In”.  As it turns out, sometime in the last couple of years at a celebrity golf tournament Toby Keith and Clint ended up being paired with one another. And probably just like you and I would be, Keith was enamored with Clint Eastwood. As they talked Clint told Toby that he was about to start work on this new movie. Keith asked Clint, “How do you still work so hard and stay so sharp at 88?” Eastwood quietly replied, “I just wake up every morning and don’t let the old man in.”

Keith realized right then, that would make good material for a great song so he went to work on it. After hearing about the song and then actually hearing it, Eastwood told Keith that he might find a place for it sometime. And, as it turned out he’d use it much sooner rather than later. It is so well placed in the movie that it puts just the right finishing touch on an already great film.

Whatever you do, click on the link above and listen to the song. You’ll be glad you did. But, heads up!! I’ll warn you ahead of time, it’ll get in your head!

And, as for me, I think I’ve decided to be like Clint; I’m gonna start wakin’ up tomorrow……and I ain’t gonna let the old man in!

 

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Write On!

I think I knew early on, even as a teenager in high school, that I had at least a little bit of a gift to write. Of course, any gift like that or any other without putting yourself to the task just ain’t gonna happen. It takes some discipline, some practice and quite a bit of time before the writing is going to be significant and mean anything to anyone else. That being said I started looking back over the last several years of working pretty steadily to improve my writing skills. Just a rough estimate I’ve written between 600-700 newspaper articles, over 100 youth/children lessons, several hundred miscellaneous pieces, 400 + blogs published and nearly 100 either completed or partially completed and ….now a book! *(4 others started)

Writing for me is therapeutic. I’ve found it to be very good for me. In fact, if it were to happen that no one ever reads any of my stuff I’d still have to say it has been very good for me. I enjoy the exercise of writing and for that reason, I’ve encouraged those around me to start writing something, too. Anything…. .Just write!

I’m grateful that I’m a reader, too. I think the best writers are probably all strong readers as well. Because I’m a reader I know what kind of books I like to read; I know the structure of books that I like to read. For instance, I like a chapter to be about eight pages or less. I struggle with 25-30 page chapters. Shorter chapters make me feel like I’m accomplishing something. They say you can’t judge a book by its cover but as for me, a good cover gets my attention. I’m drawn to good book covers and I found while trying to find an adequate image for my book cover, that it’s not that easy to find something you like and you think others might be drawn to. *Check out the cover on my new book and give me your thoughts. Personally, I love the subliminal message the image conjures up. It says something and it describes, I think, what the book is about.

I plan to write a few blogs about the new book, (click on link to find my book on Amazon) “Reading Your Bible For All It’s Worth”, to communicate why I wrote it in the first place since it’s a book that I hadn’t planned on writing at all….and why I think it’s an important book for you, …..and why I think its’ a book that’ll be around a lot longer than I’ll be around.

Instructions: Since Facebook will no longer post blogs to a personal profile if you want to read them you’ll have to go to my blog page, www.andyrtaylor.com, find the “Follow” link and connect that way. I hope you do! You might even find some of my previous blogs to be interesting and entertaining.

Thanks for going on this journey with me!

 

 

 

 

 

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You Oughta See Us When We Ain’t Winnin’!

It was back in the late ’70s, during my rodeo days.  We had driven all night the night before from Montgomery, Alabama with very little sleep. Only what little you could get in the back, or front, seat of a car with four others packed in there too. We had finished riding on this particular night in the rodeo in San Angelo, Texas. It was around midnight and we pulled into an all-night convenience store to get stocked up for another all-nighter to Phoenix. We dropped off one guy so there’d only be four of us for this trip. One less driver….but more room to sleep!

We made our trip around the c-store and brought all our stuff and put it on the counter to check out. Out there on the counter were big bags of potato chips, Doritos, pork skins, Cheetos, Louisiana Hot Sauce, Slim-Jims, Fritos, bean dip, beef jerky, peanuts, a few candy bars………oh, and a case of beer. The night manager, a gentleman in his 40’s, looked over all the items we put on the counter, shook his head back and forth a few times, ….looked me square in the eye and said, in an extremely serious tone, “How in the hell do you guys live??!!” …..To which I quickly replied, “Heck, that ain’t nothin’, you oughta see us when we ain’t winnin’!”

True Story!

 

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So Easy A Caveman Can Do It

Remember the Geico commercials? The storyline involved a couple of cavemen who lived in modern society. The point was that using Geico’s website was “so easy a caveman could do it”, indicated that being a caveman didn’t require all that much intelligence. Their response that they were being discriminated against, or at the very least had their feelings hurt, drew a lot of attention and got a lot of mileage for Geico.

I think a lot of times we make our Christian life a whole lot harder than it ought to be. I’m not saying life can’t be hard; it can! But, just the fact that we’re believers should simplify it in a very profound way. Think about it this way; There should never be a time or situation in our life where we don’t know what to do. We have the Holy Spirit living in us to show us the way at every turn. The Bible even says about us, “we have the mind of Christ”! We have the awesome assurance that when we leave this life we’re immediately in heaven. Our eternal security is sealed! That should relieve us of a lot of unfounded worry! And, instead of having the daunting task of, somehow, trying to plan out our own life….He’s even already done that for us. We must, however, be ‘connected’ to Him to find out all the details of that plan. But….He doesn’t make that hard. He’s even promised to never leave us nor forsake us; that in itself should make even the most harsh situations easier to endure.

But, undoubtedly, the most important thing of all is that God is a Father. It’s a relationship that anyone can understand. He desperately desires to interact with us on a personal basis. He’s done everything possible to make that a reality for us. All we have to do is to engage…..and immediately begin to enjoy the benefits.

You’ve heard the term, “It’s complicated”, right?

Well, this isn’t complicated. In fact, “it’s so easy even a caveman can do it”!!

Check this one:

It’s Complicated

 

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Organ Donors

I donated a piano to a church once; does that count? I really did but that’s not why I decided to write this. I was sitting with three other very close friends a day or two ago and the topic came up. I said, “I’m an organ donor, are y’all?”. It was unanimous in the room of the four of us. We had all, somewhere down the line, decided that when something serious happened to us they (whoever ‘they’ are) could use any of our body parts that they’d choose for someone else needing such things. My first thought was, “that’s a pretty noble thing to do; downright honorable if you ask me”.

I thought that for just a few seconds before sheer reality set in. I looked at the other three guys in the room and considered myself as well. Then I got to thinkin’…..”exactly what body part would anyone possibly need that we had?” I mean, if you consider that the oldest of our little group is around seventy…and the youngest sixty-one there just ain’t much left that anyone would really need. Case in point: I’ve got two bad knees, one hip replacement, shoulders that have been overused and abused, one ankle that’ll roll without a warning, a toenail that’s trying to come off due to a bull stepping on it….twice, years ago. Julie says I’m gettin’ hard of hearin’, at least that’s what I think she said. But, I guess when you get right down to it my nose works great. (I can smell meat on the grill from a quarter mile away!) And my eyes are decent….but they’d need to throw my glasses in on the deal if they wanted to get much use out of them. I seem to be really, really healthy around the middle….but who needs that?!

And the other guys; well one’s got a shoulder that’s messed plumb up, another got his pelvis busted in several places, and the healthiest one’s got a nagging sound in his ear that just about drives him crazy. But, by gosh, we’re organ donors! Kinda makes me wonder if we’re really doing anybody any favors! All I can say is, if anyone needs anything we’ve got…..they’re in really, really bad shape!

But, what if our heart (no, not the one that’s still beating in our chest!), you know…our attitude toward God, and people and just life in general, is something that could be reproduced in the people around us? What if the way we handled criticism, adversity or grief was something that someone else could use? What if we took the hardships in life and because of our ‘heart’ we didn’t lose our sense of humor and, somehow, turned those things into victories? What if we hung onto the Lord when we didn’t think we had anything else to hang onto, and our lives actually made a difference? What if??

If you consider those things maybe we actually do have a chance in someone using something of us that’ll make their life better.

 

*Check out John Prine’s song here. He may have it all figured out!

 

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Turkeys Just Need to Tend to Their Own Business!

I’m a little put out! Turkeys, yeah you know…the big goofy lookin’ bird, are beginning to get a little big for their britches, if you know what I mean. They’re really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t mind a slice or two of turkey around Thanksgiving. It’s not necessarily my meat of choice on that holiday, or any other for that matter, but I’ll do it if I have to. If I’m forced to eat it I’ll go for the deep fried, cajun version.

But, the last few years turkeys have been branching out into new areas and I think it’s a huge mistake on their part. I’m sure you’ve noticed turkey jerky. Now that’s plumb out of character for a turkey. He shouldn’t be doing that at all. Then there’s turkey chili! Are you kidding me??!! Absurd! No way should a turkey be attempting to be the main ingredient in a fine dining dish like chili! It ain’t right! But the worst offense of all is now they’re doing turkey bacon. That’s downright un-American! I had a friend visiting here awhile back from back east. We went to a popular breakfast spot and when it was his time to order he asked if they had turkey bacon. The waitress looked at him thinkin’ he must’ve been joking….but he wasn’t. I cut through the awkward haze by saying, “He ain’t from around here!”.

Now, here’s the way it oughta be. Turkeys, listen up! You need to stick with Thanksgiving. We’re giving you that. But, jerky…..NO! That’s something that’s way better left to deer and beef. Cattle know what they’re doing when it comes to jerky…so just leave ’em alone and do your own thing. And, chili, ……..c’mon now. You know that ain’t in your job description. Nobody in their right mind’s gonna opt in for turkey chili. It don’t even sound good.

Now, let’s get this straight once and for all; You back off and leave the bacon alone! That’s a specialty that’s best left to the hogs. Hogs were made for bacon. I mean, you don’t see them trying to push bacon on folks for Thanksgiving, do you? Right! You can brag all you want about turkey being a more healthy choice but it ain’t working. There’s just some things real people ain’t wiling to compromise….and bacon’s one of ’em! Besides there’s no way that turkey bacon can put a sheen on your hair like the real thing!

So, turkeys, ….just tend to your own business; stay in your lane. And, quit trying to do things that are way out of your pay grade!

Do that…..and we’ll get along just fine!

 

Just for laughs:

The ‘Baddest’ Dang Turkey in Arkansas!

The Luge….Western Oklahoma Style!

 
 

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