Humor

That Whole, “Greet the Brethren With a Holy Kiss” Thing, is Waaaay Overrated!

/ Andy R Taylor / 2 Comments

It was otherwise a normal, great, Sunday church service. The house was full and the worship was right on. Well, nearing the end of worship time a guy in our church, we’ll just call John Doe, came up where I was on the front row. Now this J Doe is a peculiar dude….I mean really peculiar. He started to give me what I’d loosely call a prophetic word, although it wasn’t very prophetic at all. He meant well. Toward the end of his three minute prophetic utterance…..he kissed me on the cheek! Aaawwwkward! Besides that it was kinda juicy too! I did NOT see that coming!

Well, worship ended, I finished the service and as soon as church was over the Perry’s, Daryle, Carrie, Micah and Nate…and the whole Taylor tribe, 7 of us, loaded up and headed for Red River for a week of skiing and relaxation, like we did about every year for six or seven years. Daryle and I are in his pickup and the rest of the crew were all in our big ‘ol conversion van that was loaded down with food, clothes and kids. We were out around Borger, Texas and Daryle was noticing that I was uncharacteristically quiet. He says, “Hey Bud, what’s up?” “Nothing”. Well, he obviously knows me better than that. “C’mon now, I know something’s eating on ‘ya.” To which I replied, “John Doe kissed me!” He started laughing as hard as I’ve ever seen anyone laugh in my entire life! He did this for 50 miles; he’d start to try to talk and he’d bust up laughing again. He’s not laughing ‘with’ me…….he’s laughing ‘at’ me!!

Well, about two or three weeks later in a similar church service, all going good…and here comes John Doe again! But this time he heads straight for Daryle, who is also on the front row with about 300 people looking down on him.  Well, ‘ol JD passed right by me this time! Yep, you guessed it…..he’s going to give DP one of those hokey prophetic words today. And, just like clockwork, about the time he finished up he gives ‘ol DP one of them real juicy kisses too! I mean, it was a good ‘un! I cannot describe to you the look on his face but he kinda looked like he was nauseated or sick at his stomach…..which in all actuality….I think he was! Can you imagine how much I’m enjoying this??!! I doubt it!

Well, after ‘ol J Doe headed back to his seat I made eye contact with Daryle and I said in a loud whisper, “You get you some sugar?!!” He never said a word! He did, however, still have that, ‘I’m about to throw up’, look on his face!

Do what you wanna do…..but for me….that, “Greet the Brethren With a Holy Kiss” Thing, is Waaaay Overrated! I’m guessing DP will totally agree!

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I Don’t Do All That Much Poetry!

/ Andy R Taylor / Leave a comment

I was doing a funeral in Cheyenne, Oklahoma. It was time for the service to start and a person walked up and handed me a five page poem….five pages! Now, don’t get me wrong….I can appreciate a good poem now and then. But I never just take it on myself to just go and read some poetry. Come to think of it, I never read poetry. Nothing personal to you poets out there….I just don’t do it. This particular poem was penned by a good friend of mine, Jim Merrick. On the back of the last page Jim wrote me a short note; “Andy, this poem is done in a forte to forte roll.” Yeah, ……that’s exactly what I thought! What in the world is a forte to forte roll??!  I had absolutely no idea! He obviously thought I knew a lot more about poetry than I actually did. I didn’t even have time to read through the poem before the family came down the aisle to be seated.

Well, it came the time for the ‘dreaded’ poem. To say I was a little nervous doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling! It was pretty rough at the start but I kind of got in rhythm with it and made it through all five pages. It was a great poem and had a great message to it, as well. But I was never as glad to be done with something as I was that dang poem. So, just for future reference, if you’re thinking of having me read a poem at some kind of function, you might want to keep it on the, “Roses are red, violets are blue”, variety. And, just remember……I don’t do all that much poetry!

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The Day I Almost Sang “The Old Rugged Cross”!!

/ Andy R Taylor / 3 Comments

I know…….scary thought, huh?!! You oughta been me! Don’t get me wrong now…..I do sing…..but never, ever where anyone can hear me! Well, maybe if you’re right next to me, or in front of me in church, you might get to hear me. But you’d have to really be listenin’! And I’ll have to admit, nobody does “The Tennessee Stud” quite like I do! Truth is, but she’ll never admit to it, it’s one of the reasons Julie married me in the first place!

Here’s how it went down; I’m in Canadian, Texas, not far from where I grew up, about to do a  funeral. The family is at the door ready to come down the aisle. A long-time friend and deacon in the church there comes over to me and says, “Now Andy, as soon as the family’s seated, you can step up to the mic and lead the congregation in “The Old Rugged Cross”. I know he’s kidding…so I say, “You’re kidding, right?!” He’s got a serious look on his face and says, “No, I’m not kidding”. I said, “You better be kidding!” He said, “I’m not kidding, you can do it.” To which I replied, “I ain’t doing it!!” Well, he’s real serious now and he says, “You’ll have to do it or we won’t have a funeral!” About to have a heart attack, I immediately replied, “Well, you decide…..but I ain’t singin’!!”

Time stood still! It was tense…Oh, and did I say that the family was at the door waiting to come in??! I’m telling you it was a ‘standoff’, and the clock was tickin’!  I guess he could see I wasn’t budging so he said, “OK, I’ll do it then.” You talk about a ‘sigh of relief’!! At that very moment they signaled the family to come in. He led them in “The Old Rugged Cross”. The service went off without a ‘hitch’. If I’d had to sing it, I’d venture to say they’d still be talkin’ about it today!! That’s how it was “the day I almost sang “The Old Rugged Cross”!!!

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Bless the Lloyd!

/ Andy R Taylor / 2 Comments

My best friend and right-hand-man, Daryle Perry and I were sitting in my office one day when we saw a blue pickup pull up in the driveway. I saw the guy get out and knew right away that I didn’t know him. He walked toward my office door and had a serious look on his face. My office has a glass door and the man looked through it and I waved him on in. He took the three steps toward my desk and immediately got down on his knees, looked up at me and said, “I need prayer”. I answered, “Sure, what’s your name?” He replied, “Lloyd”.

Now you just need to know this about Daryle and myself; nobody enjoys a good laugh any more than us. But it’s not good at all when we’re in a place where you’re not supposed to be funny….or laughing. We’ve been in many a jam that way but we never saw this one coming! I started to pray, and I meant to say, “Now Lord, in Jesus’ name.” But it came out, “Now, Lloyd, in Jesus’ name.” Well, that wasn’t good! Daryle grabbed his mouth, snickered, busted up laughing and walked out the door leaving me with Lloyd. It was all I could do to keep my composure but I kind of got it gathered back up.

I went ahead and prayed and as I was nearing the end of the prayer I meant to say, “Lord, thank you”. But, yep, you guessed it! “Lloyd, thank you”. Well this time I grabbed my mouth, snickered and busted up laughing! Lloyd looked up at me with a real bewildered look on his face. I said, still trying to keep from laughing, “Man, I am so sorry”! I don’t think he bought it.

Well, Lloyd left and we never saw him again and I still feel bad about that. But I did pray for him….and I was sincere when I prayed. I think he knows that we weren’t laughing at him, but at ourselves. So, if I had one little piece of advice for you it would be this, “Trust in the Lloyd with all your heart”!

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Maybe You Should Quit Whippin’ Your Own A#$!!

/ Andy R Taylor / Leave a comment

Did you see the movie, “Liar Liar”? You should. Jim Carrey, who’s about the funniest guy alive, in my opinion, is a lawyer who just can’t tell the truth about anything. He makes a vow to not tell a lie for a certain amount of time. At one point he goes into the bathroom in the courthouse and starts beating himself up. Someone comes into the bathroom and asks him what he’s doing, to which he replies, “I’m whipping my a#$!” It’s really pretty funny!

The world is a tough place; people can be cruel. It’s easy to find yourself on the receiving end of people’s bad intentions. Nothing pleasant about that at all. But in my 60 + years of experience, I’ve seen as much, or more, ‘self-inflicted’ pain, discomfort and mental anguish as the other kind. I really don’t think the Father likes us to do that!

Most everyone I know has made monumental mistakes in their lives. I’m pretty sure that most of us have regrets; things we shouldn’t have done; things we should have done differently; maybe even things we should have done but didn’t. It’s just kind of how life goes. We could keep our focus on those things and let them rule our lives today….or we could learn from them and move on. 

Peter is a great example. He failed Jesus at a time when the Lord needed him the most. He denied Jesus three times in the dark hours before the cross, once to a little 12-year-old girl. In the greatest test of his life, he folded like a cheap lawn chair. But something happened to Peter after Jesus was resurrected. You know the story; Jesus took him aside and asked Peter if he loved Him three times. His encounter with Jesus, somehow, healed him from his epic failure. And the rest of the story: Peter was the most important man on the planet, as it relates to the plan of God, for the next 25 years or so.

If the Father doesn’t hold those things against us….maybe we shouldn’t either! One thing I know….our failures dim in comparison to Peter’s. We really should quit whipping’ our own a#$ and move on with our destiny!

 

Tee-Ball…..The #1, Undisputed, Very Best Team Sport of ‘Em All!!

/ Andy R Taylor / 3 Comments

It might not be your favorite sport, but there’s on doubt about it…it’s mine! There’s nothing I don’t like about Tee-Ball It became my favorite sport when my kids started playing, years ago. In fact, one of the very first practices our boys attended, Clay….now 27, took a major league swing at the ball. He missed the ball, did a full 360 spin, let go of the bat and it flew like a guided missile and hit the coach square on the ankle bone! He hopped around for a few seconds, limped for a few more and through the tears said, “Clay…..try to hang onto the bat!” I still laugh when I think about it….but I’ll bet the coach still thinks it wasn’t all that funny.

I missed Crockett’s (my next to the youngest Grandson, age 4) very first Tee-Ball game today. Hated to, but I had a meeting that I couldn’t miss. I did find out, however, that after his very first hit, he headed straight to third base! I’m thinking, “Heck, yeah! If you can get a triple that way…get it on!”  And THAT, is exactly why I love Tee-Ball!

You gotta be on your toes if you’re the coach; (I did get there for game #2 today!) The catcher is checking the stands behind him and making sure his people are watching. Outfielders are chasing butterflies and the second baseman and shortstop are on the ground wrestling with one another. There are a lot of spectators….probably more than at a lot of high school games. Why? Easy question; parents, grandparents love to watch their kids excel. Our Father is like that, too! A few dads are giving ‘expert’ instructions from the stands……as if there’s actually something at stake. Serious business to some!

I was asked later who won the game. I have no idea but I think, no I’m sure, they both won! Not a sad face, one, on any of the players, coaches or spectators. I don’t care if you have kids or grandkids playing Tee-Ball or not, you need to go to a game. You can have the worst day you’ve ever had, go to a Tee-Ball game….and get home just right!!

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“The Best Straw Hat I Ever Had!”

/ Andy R Taylor / 5 Comments

One of the things we’d do every year at the Houston Astrodome Rodeo was go to the American Hat Factory and pick us out a good straw hat for the summer. Bill George, a great rodeo hand from the previous generation, was from Canadian, Texas (where we were from), and he’d look me and Mont (my brother) up every year we were at the Astrodome. We’d have a beer or two and an enjoyable visit. Bill and his wife owned The American Hat Co. there in Houston.

I was traveling with Russ Baize this particular year and as usual we went out to the factory to pick us out a hat. Oh, and we’d get a heck of a deal on those hats too. Of course it’s been some years since we did that but we were buying good straw hats for $6 that’ll now cost you near $100! I picked through about 20 of the Bangora style and found the best straw hat of the bunch. Russ did the same. I creased mine just right and, dang it looked good! To this day it was the best straw hat I ever had!

We left Houston to ride in Montgomery, AL. Tommy Sheffield, a rodeo clown and bullfighter, and good friend, had an act back in those days where he’d buy a real cheap little hat of some kind and put it on a committee man. His act was about ‘cleaning’ the hat. Of course it was all staged (*usually…but not this night!). The committee man would act like he was mad and he’d chase Tommy around the arena and finally give up the chase. Then Tommy would place the hat on his ‘hat cleaner’; long story short he’d push the lever and a huge explosion would blow the hat up!

Well, I thought….you know it’d be really, really funny if I could get Russ out there in front of the chutes when Tommy did his act and let Tommy get Russ’s new straw hat! I’d already set it up with Tommy. I didn’t think I was going to get it done but just in the nick of time I lured Russ out in front of the chutes as the act started. Coliseum lights were all off and the spotlight was on Tommy, as usual. I’m talking to Russ and his back is turned away from Tommy sneaking up on him. Well, Tommy grabbed Russ’s new hat and took off! Now it’s on!! No! I mean it’s REALLY ON! Russ is NOT faking….he’s as mad as he can possibly be, still in the spotlight chasing Tommy and cussing as loud as he can! All the cowboys are now watching and laughing uncontrollably, as well as the five or six thousand spectators! He finally gave up the chase and just like always Tommy put the hat on his hat cleaner and just like always, BOOM!! Russ’s new hat literally hit the ceiling of the Montgomery, Alabama coliseum, then landed back on the arena floor in about 6 pieces! Russ was threatening to whip me, Tommy and anyone else he could think of. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen!

He cooled off a little….but not much! We rode that night and headed for San Angelo, TX, five of us in my Delta 88 Oldsmobile; Russ, myself, Jack Ward, Jess Knight and John Gloor. We pulled over late in the night to change drivers and took off again. We’d got down the road a few miles and I started looking for my hat; nowhere to be found. I started asking questions only to find out that when we stopped Russ had put my brand new hat right in front of the back tire and peeled out on it when he took off! Well, now I’m the one that’s mad!! I’m telling him to pull over cause I’m fixin’ to whoop his butt! We got out, talked a little trash, cussed each other a little bit then got back in and headed for Angelo! We’re still great friends to this day! That’s the story of “The Best Straw Hat I Ever Had”!

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The ‘Baddest’ Dang Turkey in Arkansas!

/ Andy R Taylor / Leave a comment

The last few years of my rodeo career I traveled quite a bit with Denny Flynn. (Inducted into the ProRodeo Hall of Fame) Denny was born and raised in Charleston, Arkansas. Great guy and a great friend, even to this day. His folks, Waldo and Vida Flynn are some of the best folks you could ever meet. They were always like ‘family’ to me.

I spent quite a bit of time at their place in Charleston throughout the years I was rodeoing. I always enjoyed my time there, …….well nearly always. You see, they had this big ‘ol tame, white, Tom turkey! And this dude had my number!! He’d see me walk out of the house, and here he’d come! This son of a gun must’ve weighed a hundred pounds and he ‘had it in’ for me! I don’t know what his problem was but he did NOT like me. I had to watch him like a hawk; no way could I turn my back on him. And if I did, he’d make a run at me. He definitely had his bluff in on me….I ain’t kidding!

One day we had been sorting some cattle in the lots and Denny and Waldo headed to the house first. When I came through the gate to head to the house…..the evil beast spotted me.…and here he comes! When I’d turn to try to run he’d run up on me like he was gonna jump on me and flog me. Heck, who knows what that crazy son of a gun was gonna do to me! Well, I finally made it the house and there’s an eight foot gap between the house and the laundry room and he’s got me hemmed up there. I picked up a broken hoe handle and it was a standoff. He wasn’t backing down. I commenced to giving him a cussin’, which I could do pretty fluently in those days. In fact I used all of the cuss words I knew several times, rearranging the sequence of them with precision accuracy! I backed my way to the door going into the house; I was safe!

Denny’s mom, who was about the nicest person you could ever find, had been watching the whole thing from her kitchen window…which was open….which was about 2 feet from where we had our standoff….and she’d seen, and heard ,the whole thing. She kindly said, “Andy, is that ‘ol turkey picking on you again?”  I was embarrassed that Vida had to hear me talk like that but, hey….it was life or death at the time! I never left the Flynn house again without Waldo, Denny…..or my hoe handle!

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